Mastering Mary

She will be 14 months old tomorrow and Emily is moments away from walking.  I mean it.  Moments.  She is walking up and down the hallway and probably the yard this weekend with her push toy.  She lets go and stands on her own really well.  She then collapses to floor and laughs.  So of course we laugh,  I think it is funny.  I can’t help it.  Probably not promoting walking by laughing at her when she drops to the floor but some things can’t be helped.

I have come a sort of peace about my waiting.  The house will sell when it sells, Emily will walk when she walks.  I have taken a very zen attitude about the whole thing now.  If you know me at all, you know I am a little high strung and never been accused of being very zen but this is as calm as I get.

So I am still waiting for some things but I am okay with it.  I know that first step is coming any day now and then I will be running around like crazy because I think once she walks it is all over for me which makes a person wonder why I am praying so hard for it to come.

I will post some pictures soon as I know these posts are a lot more interesting with photos. Here is one where Emily looks a little like a boy and is playing with her little girl kitchen.  Enjoy!

I am waiting to sell my house and waiting to find a new one.  I am waiting for Emily to learn to walk and I am no good at waiting for any of them.  When Emily first turned one, I was okay with the fact that she couldn’t walk and vowed to not be impatient with her progression.  Then, she was acting like she was close, even letting  go of things and standing on her own a bit.  I was very excited but then she got the flu and everything stopped.  Now, she doesn’t show any signs of getting up and walking.  I am bummed.  I want her to walk because I feel like that will really change what we are capable of doing as far as playing, etc.

Then the house thing.  Someone looked at our house on Friday, our first showing!  They liked the house but had many more to see.  We have not seen our dream home yet.  Scott and can’t agree and we will not rest until we find “the one” that we will both be happy in.  We want to live in the next one for a long time and we don’t want to compromise our desires on this one.  I know there will be one that we both like enough.  It doesn’t have to be perfect for both of us but it has to have enough of the things that both of us want to work.  The hunt continues. 

Feels like life is on hold.  This clean, weird, alternate universe where I don’t leave dishes in the sink or towels on the floor.  I have mentally already moved out.  That is now just where I am staying.

I suck at waiting.  It consumes me and makes me obsessed with it.

One day soon, Emily will walk, we will buy and sell and then I can move on from limbo land.  Until then, we wait and maybe someday I will be better at it, we will have to wait for that too.

That is just going to have to be the way that you are going to have to look at my horrible, inexcusable lack of blogging lately.  Things have been a whirlwind of house hunting, house selling (or trying), the flu, Easter, house guests and just our lives.  What’s a girl to do!Emily, Scott and I all had the flu and it was horrible.  I think we are all just now back on our feet and that was two weeks ago.  It was the worst flu ever.  I have not been sick like that in years!  Emily threw-up every day for 5 days!  It truly was a nightmare.Then the house (of course) went up on the market last Monday.  No bites yet, not even a showing.  I assume that people don’t look at houses much during the week and since Easter was last weekend and the weather was HORRID, that may have contributed to lack of interest.  It is pretty much okay though because it is not like Scott and I have any clue where we are moving yet.  We have several new housing developments that we are looking at but then Scott keeps feeling torn towards having a larger lot.  New houses here are on dime sized lots, maybe that is true all over the country.  It is hard to choose between an older home on a larger lot and a brand new home on a small lot.  Everything is so in the air right now.Easter was lovely.  We went to mass with my family, we ate brunch and then went to Scott’s dad’s house and visited with them for awhile.  Emily got 3 Easter baskets which was out of control.  We didn’t go visit the Easter bunny because we just ran out of time and it seemed like with Emily not quite being herself yet from her illness, I thought the Easter bunny might send her over the edge.  I hope you all had a good Easter.  I will try not to be so long before I write again.  Maybe I will soon be writing about the sale of my house.  Cross your fingers!

We had a downright lovely weather day yesterday!  It was like Spring here.  Emily got a bike trailer for her birthday and while it is hard to see her little head in the trailer, this is her and daddy after her first every bike ride.  She actually fell asleep in her little trailer. I think it was all the excitement of the weekend party. We have a great paved trail not too far from our home called the Chehalis-Western Trail which I have mentioned in previous posts. I was so excited to be out in the fresh air and on my bike again.  Scott is dedicated and out on his bike all Winter but I have only been on my bike once since Emily was born.  It was nice to spend time as a family and enjoy the great outdoors.  I hope to spend more time outside soon.

The baby birthday went really well.  It takes a lot to put that kind of party together!  Most everyone we invited came and there was enough food for everyone which is what I was most worried about.  Emily got a lot of really lovely gifts and ate her personal birthday cake.  She got some wonderful books and some fun toys and cute clothes.  It made me realize that we need to really get our act together to get our house ready to sell.  There simply are too many things to fit into our current 1200 square feet.  I know that sounds horrible to complain about!  Oh poor me, I have a house and too much stuff to fit in it!  I am not complaining really, I am just excited to move.  We are planning to build a house in a neighborhood up the road from where I live now.    Some of the next few weeks will probably include blogs about packing, house building, house selling, etc….  I don’t want to write on here the neighborhood that I am moving to because that seems unsafe but check out the Sound Built Homes website http://www.soundbuilthomes.com/ and you could see the floor plan we have chosen.  It is called the Tahoe.  I think our new home is going to be great and I will be excited to keep you updated.  Also, I will update this post soon with the photos of Emily’s big birthday bash.

Make a scrapbook - it’s easy!

Make a scrapbook - it’s easy!

I recently reconnected with an old friend from high school via the internet.  We tech savvy blogger types always find each other eventually.  Anyway, my friend Jill is starting a fun business that I have no problem promoting because the stuff looks very cute!  I have up to 20 visitors a day to my humble blog and I thought why shouldn’t those 20 visitors know about my friend Jill’s line of adorable baby clothes.  On my best blogging day I had 56 people reading (which was the day I blogged about being fat.  I don’t know what to think about that.)  So please visit her website www.oliverlane.com and check it out.  She is also a blogger; much like myself and you can check that out at http://oliverlanebaby.blogspot.com/

I promise, next post will be about me……. Which is why you all read, right?

Tomorrow is the anniverary of the day Emily was born, her birthday.  I want to always remember the day she was born.  People start to forget so soon.  Sometimes I believe what people say about how you would never have more children if you remembered how hard the ones you had were in the beginning but I want to remember that day just the same.

I had been waiting for 7 long days past Emily’s due date and was scheduled to be induced on the 13th.  It was Sunday night and Emily was not coming so I was planning to go to work.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had nothing else to do and I couldn’t sit around.  It would be last day before I got induced.  I woke up early, about 4am on Monday, February 12 because I was really uncomfortable.  About 6am, Scott was gone for work and I started to feel the contractions.  They weren’t exactly the way people had described, my whole stomach didn’t tighten all over the way people had said.  It felt more like cramps and only at the bottom of my stomach.  I had heard that it was much more enjoyable to stay home as long as you could so you could be comfortable.  I decided I could probably wait until Scott got home from work to go to the hospital.  I kept in touch with my sister and parents, as well as my friends from work but I didn’t call Scott because I figured it would just worry him and he was working somewhere far away (out in Elma is what I rememeber).  By the time Scott got home, around 2pm, I had contractions 8 minutes apart.  They still didn’t really hurt but I hadn’t been up off the couch for this whole time.  Scott said for me to call the hospital while he got ready to go.  I did and they told me to come right away.  When Scott was ready, we got in the car, the white Cavalier we had at the time, and drove to the hosptial which was about 20 minutes away.  About 2 minutes into the drive, the contractions were getting more like 5 minutes apart and they really started to hurt.  I was really clutching the handle of the car and panting.  When we got there, I could hardly walk and we were at two minutes apart.  I would also like to say that I “pre checked” into the hospital and a fat lot of good that did me.  They “lost” that paperwork and we had to do it all over again.  I couldn’t speak very well and Scott didn’t know any of the answers to the questions about my health insurance etc….

We finally got checked in and settled into our room.  I kept laboring as they checked my cervix and hooked me up to the monitor.  Scott called our parents to let them know we were having the baby.  My mom and dad wanted to come right away but I told Scott to tell them to wait a little while.  Dr. Johnson came and wanted to try to move things along so she broke my water and started me on the pitocin drip.  I kept progressing until I was about 4 cm dialated.  I got my epidural which was the most painful part.  I didn’t like the cold sensation when the medicine started to go in and I was mad the anesthseiologist kept telling me to make a “c” shape with my body.  Hello?!  Do you not see my stomach?

I kept on with the contractions getting harder and harder but I was not becoming more dialated at all.  I was feeling good from the epidural and the nurses had turned down the volume on the fetal monitor so I could relax.  Then, suddenly, the room fills with nurses who looked like they were in a panic and a hurry.  They rushed in and asked Scott to help them move to from one side to the other.  I kept asking what was wrong but they wouldn’t answer me.  Then they put an oxygen mask on me and I started to cry.  I kept saying “what’s wrong with the baby?”.  I know now they just had to work quickly so they couldn’t answer me.  Emily had rolled over on her cord and they had to move me so she would move too.  Emily was okay but the doctor said her heart rate had become erratic.  They were going to let me go a little bit longer but if things didn’t get better they would be doing a C-Section.  At that point I said, let’s do whatever we need to, to get her out safe.  At 8:00pm, they decided it was time to get me in and get that baby out.

The anesthseiologist was back and gave me some more numbing medication and then checked me to make sure I couldn’t feel things.  Well, I kept telling him I could still feel stuff on my right side but he didn’t listen.  We went in and the surgery began, I could still feel my right side somewhat.  It was freaking me out and I told them that.  They started to take Emily out but I was in pain.  They gave me some laughing gas and put me under for short periods of time.  They kept saying you will feel some presssure.  I kept trying to tell them I felt more than pressure.  Then they would put me under again.  Finally Emily was out.  I said to Scott, “Is she beautiful?”  Scott looked at our slimy, bloody little daughter and although at that moment she didn’t, Scott told me she did.  Then I was pretty much out again.  Emily came into the world at 8:20pm on Tuesday February 12, 2007.  She weighed 8lbs and was 21 inches long.  She wanted to eat right away.  She had (and still has) blue eyes and redish brown hair.  She is perfect and although the way she got here wasn’t perfect or how I would have done it had I planned it myself, I want to remember it for the rest of my life.

On the first day I wrote this blog, I said that I felt so out of control and helpless that I felt I needed to get it out.  I realized today, when I woke up, I am okay now.  One month and one day before Emily’s first birthday I am okay.  So, for you new moms out there counting the days until you feel “normal” again, I am telling you, today is my day. I feel normal today.  I woke up this morning, I took a shower, I got Emily and I ready for work and daycare, I took Emily to daycare and it hit me– this is my life and I feel normal doing it.  Not a zombie in someone else’s body, not a version of me that I don’t know or recognize, I am finally just me.  Sure, I am me with a baby but today was different.  Today, I felt like me.  I thought about what changed and I don’t really know.  Maybe that I feel like I know what I am doing now?  Or that at least I think I can reasonably figure it out.  I am not sure.  It is a pretty good feeling though.

I love my child and I love my husband.  I love myself– right now, the way I am.  Today is a new day.